I’m continuing yesterday’s post on this subject because it continues to be a one that brings otherwise powerful leaders and experts to their knees. Yesterday, I put forth the contention that the first step in getting over the fear of speaking is to stop saying you are afraid of public speaking–because that’s not accurate. What you are afraid of is being humiliated–and I outlined five contributors to this mind-gripping terror. Today, I am going into some depth with each one. I would love to hear which one you find has contributed most to your fears–and what solution you are committed to engaging so that you get out there with your message! The 5 Contributors to Fearing Being Humiliated When Public Speaking 1. We’ve been humiliated publicly. This first issue is a deep one. We have a primordial reaction to being shunned publicly—perhaps because throughout history it has so often meant being ostracized from our clan and facing life alone. And when it happens to us as a child, before we’ve learned to engage our reasoning mind to disengage from our emotionality, the stain of  humiliation can seem permanent. But only if we allow it to be. As Eleanor Roosevelt so aptly put it, No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And no event defines who you are unless you let it. You can choose to allow an experience to define your fragility; you can choose to allow the past to define your future—but that’s a choice you’re making. Know that you don’t have to keep yourself safe anymore. You can handle anything. (See an up-coming post about my own humiliation years ago.) 2. We’re self-focused, rather than audience-focused. Rather than giving to the audience, we’re focused on getting approval from them—which leads to a strong need to be perfect. Here’s the rub: if we must be perfect, we’re going to fail because—sit down, if you need to— we’re not ever going to be perfect. If we feel we must be perfect but we never will be perfect, we’re in quite a spot, aren’t we? And ultimately,we know that, which is what a great deal of the fear is about. So how do you stop needing to be perfect before an audience? Adjust your purpose from“needing to get” to “needing to give.” In the New Paradigm, you are (among many things) involved with your audience in such a way that you are not the star, they are. I teach that you are a teacher, not a speaker, and that shift creates a significant change in how you view yourself. When you’re there to give (as teachers are), your self-importance vanishes, and it is self-importance that fuels fear. You aren’t important, they are. Another note on this: it’s also worth accepting that you’re never going to please everyone. Someone in the room won’t like you. The question is, Can that be okay with you? If it can’t be…why? Try this tack, too: ask yourself, what’s the worst that can happen if I forget something—or everything? If the audience gets up and leaves after the first 10 minutes? Go through the process of questioning yourself with this. Answer it the first time. If I forget what I want to say, the worst thing is I won’t be asked back to speak. And what’s the worst thing that could happen from that? I’ll have to find a new group to speak to. And the worst thing from that? You’ll find, that “the worst”…isn’t. Finally—if you aren’t perfect? Be self-effacing right in the moment. People love when speakers acknowledge their own “mistakes.” Not doing so, however, allows the awkwardness to “sit in the room,” which isn’t good energy -management. So, make a joke about yourself and move on. Your audience will feel what you feel, so the more confidently and nonchalantly you handle an embarrassing moment, the more confident they will feel about what you did, as well. 3. We simply aren’t prepared. Needing to practice is Public Speaking 101, right? Not for many, many speakers (especially those who like being in front of groups; they think their comfort level makes them good, and often they don’t bother to practice at all.) But even those who fear speaking don’t realize the incredible power of knowing their material cold. The greatest fear comes from not knowing it; that your brain will go blank. So, practice! Practice in the shower, in the car, doing dishes— wherever you can. You will walk on the (proverbial) stage as if you own it when you know your stuff. 4. We’re mimicking “old school” speakers and presenters. The New Paradigm techniques I teach tend to mitigate fear because they are so much about creating energy in the room and being empowered and self-expressed. But let me share some Old Paradigm techniques that tend to perpetuate fear: 1) Opening with your name and a “thank you for coming”—the first puts an emphasis on you, which will only augment the fear you already have, and the second puts you in the weak position of appreciating the audience for taking the time to list to you—and that insecure stance can perpetuate fear; 2) “Pouring” information at your audience from a distance, while they listen quietly—again, this emphasizes you and your material, which will increase trepidation and the need to get it right; 3) Believing you must present yourself as serious and intellectual—“having to be” anything is going to rattle your nerves, but feeling you need to appear“important” is going to send you over the edge; and finally, 4) Standing behind a podium— physical blockades symbolize emotional  blockades; the more physical and emotional distance between you and your audience, the more nervous you are going to be. Get out from behind the block and close to your audience. 5. We’re unsure about the value of our message. Other than being unprepared, little can make us as nervous as being unsure if others want to hear our message. I’m not going to give you a pep-talk here; I’m going to be blunt: make sure it is something they want to hear. Know your audience. Then, make sure that you really are giving value. A lot of speakers don’t! They speak above or below their audiences; they provide cliché material; they don’t help the audience to see how it’s valuable in their lives. If you’re nervous about the value of your message—it may be worth a look. On the other hand, when you know that you’re giving extreme value to your audiences, you’ll be chomping on the bit to give it to them and your nerves will be jumping for other reasons! That goes back to the giving vs . getting issue: If you’ve got value to give but you’re still more focused on getting their approval, fear will nail you. But giving great value because you can’t wait to give it? You’ll be irrepressible! I truly hope these ideas have given you food for thought because you have a message to get out there!! You cannot give fear the power any longer. Take over, take control. Recognize, again, that it is humiliation you fear, not public speaking. So, what’s the worst thing that can happen to you if you’re humiliated? Really dig deep with yourself there and you’ll find that the “worst” is simply not worth being a slave to fear any longer, hiding away what you’ve got to say, and living a life far smaller than you were meant to live. Nothing is worth that.