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About two dozen years ago, an old high school friend tracked me down. I was really excited to speak with her; we’d been good pals years before but, as so often happens, college-and-beyond had put distance between us. I remember unleashing a flurry of questions in the first moments of our call–but rather than asking any back, she began to tell me about a new business venture she was involved with and asked if I wanted to be a part of it. To this day, I remember the visceral experience of my body deflating as she spoke.

“So, she doesn’t really care about me; she just wants to make a buck.”

I avoided her from thereon out. I’m long past it now, and when I see her post on Facebook, I don’t think of it—but my feeling of letdown and even betrayal was strong enough that I can clearly remember it.

From there, I went on to feel many offenses toward those who sold to me. I started my first business under the strict and prideful premise that I would not sell and be “one of them.” After all, I have always loved being loved—and that’s not possible if you’re selling!

“Selling Was a Mistake”

I have long since evolved out of that mindset, but I was reminded of it last week when the woman who brought me in to speak at an event recently explained that some in the room had been “turned off” by my selling at the end of my presentation.

(To give context, I had taught customized material to them for ninety-minutes, and then, in a straight-forward manner, gave them the chance to work with me privately on a featured element of the talk for more than half-off my regular fee. I spent only about 2 minutes on the offer.)

I told the woman that I remembered how it felt to bristle at a sales pitch; I remembered the fierce belief that the person giving it was driven by self-interest and, like my high school friend, did not at all care about me. I understood what it was like to feel that way. 

I also told her that it was when I shifted that mindset that I enjoyed business success.

I decided to write this article because I think this is such an important conversation. She and I concluded our talk about this on a good note, but her final words concerned me.

She said that she was going to make sure her successor at the chapter didn’t “make the same mistake” she had of not inquiring more deeply about my offer so as to prevent a repeat experience. I was saddened that she was still holding the experience as a mistake, even though several in the room had eagerly taken advantage of my offer.

By “taming” her successor, she was about to cut off the flow of future opportunities for her members because of only a few unhappy voices. And because these kinds of decisions are made daily for the same reasons, I felt it was time to open up this topic to the light of day.

Introducing…Disgust  

I had a guy friend years ago who frequently exclaimed that “all women are xyz.” Every time he filled in the blank with some negative perception, I pointed out to him that he was painting half of society with the same brush stroke.

Furthermore, he was actually painting on to them his judgments and in doing so, could never see them any other way (ever)—and worse, he was allowing really good women to slip away. They were there—crossing his path often—but he would never see them because he could only see his own projections.

Because he saw all women through the same filter, he was missing out on exactly what he wanted—a deep, fulfilling, intimate relationship. And he was fulfilling his prophecy marvelously: the women he was letting in were “xyz.” As a result, he could proudly proclaim, year after year, that he was “right.”

Just this weekend, I heard about a “great” teacher who is stern and autocratic with kids the first week of school because “otherwise, teenagers will take total advantage of you.”

As a society, we are learning the costs of describing entire segments of the population in summarizing sound bites.

That said, we are wired to protect ourselves from danger, which is what my friend and the yardstick-wielding teachers are ultimately doing.

I just saw Pixar’s new movie Inside Out (a must-see!), which anthropomorphizes the five core human emotions, making the point that all of them are essential to our well-being.

Disgust is among the core five and its purpose, according to the actress playing Disgust, is to protect us.

“Life is full of little mistakes, wrong turns and poor judgments. Disgust’s job is to make sure none of them happen to you.”

And she goes on to say, “Be sure to listen to that little voice inside your head.” In the movie, we also learn that we need to listen to Fear, Anger, Sadness and Joy, too.

But we also learn that there’s trouble when any one of them fully takes over.

When Disgust rules the control panel of our inner landscape, we miss out on great things–like the peace of falling asleep under the stars (camping? Ewww), or the girl who could be our best friend but, no way, not with that tattoo on her neck.

A Life Without Sales?

I look across the expanse of my own life and see how different (and flat) it would be now if Disgust had controlled headquarters when I was being sold to.

I would never have attended the Fashion Institute of Technology in NYC, and earned my advertising and marketing degree from professors straight from Madison Avenue–if FIT hadn’t printed a promotional brochure that was brought to my attention in my first year at another college. (And I would not be doing that work today, decades later.)

If a recruiter hadn’t sold his services to a television company, I never would have gotten a job at Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, where I was editor for five years–and would never have met my ex-husband or consequently had my daughter.

If a well-known personal growth education hadn’t sold to me in the room of my first weekend, I would never have broken through lifelong “stories” and fears or become a coach. And I never would have met the love of my life.

If IPEC hadn’t promoted itself, I never would have gone to what I believe is the best coaching school in the country, been trained by the founder himself, and gotten out of the “rat race.”

If T. Harv Eker wasn’t the marketing and sales mastermind that he is and hadn’t sold to me in the room of a training I’d paid to attend, I never would have been exposed to accelerated learning and would not have launched my second business with a public speaking training, revolutionizing how hundreds of leaders interact with audiences. Simply said, if I’d allowed Disgust to rule command central at any of those “points of sale,” I would not be where I am today, psychologically, spiritually, professionally. If no one had sold me a book, or a course, I’d surely be a lesser business owner and expert.

I am indebted to those who were enterprising enough; who had the spirit, creativity, gumption—and, yes, integrity!!–to provide me with something I needed, or didn’t know I needed, or just downright wanted—allowing me to grow.

Sales people l along my journey have made me who I am in business and, to a large degree, as a human.

What Hating to Be Sold To Reveals

My own personal experience traveling the continuum from “hating being sold to” to “being fine with it” has shown me that being comfortable with it indicates an arrival; an arrival of feeling deep trust within ourselves.

Disgust doesn’t have to race to the controls to save us when we trust ourselves.

Yes, people who are driven by self-interest, who don’t care about us, and who might be lying to take advantage of us can be dangerous…

…but by far, this does not describe the majority of people who are selling and promoting.

And much more important: they are dangerous to us only if our boundaries are weak.

When we are offended by someone selling, it is because we don’t trust ourselves to handle them. Something in us feels powerless and we are unconsciously (and erroneously) ascribing greater power to them. If we weren’t, there would be no emotional charge.

Over the years, I have said to legions of folks that trust begins and ends with us, not the “person over there.” It is only because we believe we can be harmed by that other person that we put up our walls and say we “don’t trust them.”

The truth is, when we trust ourselves to be able to handle anything anyone does—we can trust anyone and never be harmed. We don’t need the protection. When we trust ourselves, we can hear a sales pitch and feel neutral about it or downright excited. It’s really about us. We say we don’t trust them, but in fact, we don’t trust ourselves in some way. Disgust doesn’t want us to acknowledge that, though; she’s more comfortable foisting the blame onto the one selling.

But then we slip into that spiral of cynicism, shutting down, being right (like my friend who stereotypes women)—and we miss out. On a lot.

Missing Out

I said this to the program director of the chapter: “In my talk, I told those in the room that we are a different kind of entrepreneur: here to help mankind evolve, to raise consciousness.As such, our entire function is to move our clients out of the status quo.

“And our fierce commitment to that means we stop at nothing to achieve it and are unconcerned if our client is uncomfortable in the process. We are far, far, far more committed to their greatness than to their comfort.

Or, at least, the good ones are.

“The truly good ones carry this position with them always. It doesn’t begin just when they sit down to do their work; their commitment to the greatness of human beings is who they are all of the time: with those they know and those they do not know (i.e. prospects.)

“It is their job to wrest ‘cozy comfort’ from the grips of their clients wherever it is showing up. When they do that with new folks—i.e. prospects; i.e. selling to them—they are not only acting in alignment with their life’s work, they’re giving folks the push out of the nest they need to get out of their struggle. Without it, they’d spin in status quo.

“Why is it okay to take a stand for people’s greatness only ‘inside the room’ with them–and wrong to do it in the moment when they are most likely to let Fear or Disgust take the control panel just to stay in cozy comfort–but the same problems?”

“Isn’t THAT the mistake?”

Seeing With New Eyes 

Let me ask you–if you knew that a commitment to your greatness was the impetus behind the emails you unsubscribe from, the webinars you abandon right before the offer, the offers from stage you reject out of certainty that they’re all trying to steal from you—would Disgust need to rush in to protect you?

You’d feel very differently about all of those points-of-sale.

Maybe it sounds like a bunch of sales hooey: that many of those in business today, selling to you today, are driven not by service-to-self, but by service-to-others. Service-to-you.

You’re free to roll your eyes as Disgust does so well; be offended by what might seem like my appeal to manipulate your emotions, and otherwise continue feeling repelled by everyone who promotes to you. After all of these years, your argument against them is probably razor-sharp and you could defend your position admirably, I’m sure.

But then, there’s your grandmother’s advice: “Give him a chance, honey”–and all that became possible because you let down your defenses and sent Disgust on another mission.

You could let Joy take over headquarters. She allows for hope and open doors…and you could open yourself to the possibility that life could get a whole lot easier, a whole lot more peaceful, a whole lot more fun and abundant–because of an offer being presented to you.

Disgust never has to swoop in to save you then because you’re not in danger. No bad guys here.

And, furthermore, as the buyer, you could remember that you’re not in danger–because you’re always the one in the power seat, so there’s no need to feel threatened (Disgust in disguise).

You can let in every opportunity and simply decide which ones are for you and which ones aren’t. No rancor.

And, by the way, in doing so, you’ll make far clearer decisions.

Contrary to what you think is happening, Disgust distorts reasoning.

Remember, when any of the five core emotions is running the show, our decision-making abilities are maligned. You’ll see in the movie how much is missed because Sadness was not allowed expression.

Now, all of that said…there are social-norm breaches that Disgust is there to protect us from–like when a long lost friend asks for something within 10 minutes of reconnecting. She wants you to be safe from those who want more for themselves than they want for you.

When someone is selling to you, that’s something to look for.

But even if they are more into themselves than they are you, they could still be providing a life-changing opportunity.

When you trust yourself to handle anything a sales person could possibly do or say, you’ll be able to see that opportunity. With Fear and Disgust at the controls, you’re going to miss out. It just works that way.

I haven’t talked to my guy friend in a long time; my guess is he’s still seeing women the same way—and missing out on what he’s always wanted.

Ultimately, how you react to selling is entirely in your hands.

My hope is that you will put down your boxing gloves because you know you don’t need them, and open your hands–let all the opportunities rain down on you because, as you’ve already experienced, you’re bound to catch a few that will change your life forever.