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Real Examples of Bad Business Communication–Corrected!

September 6, 2013 by Lizabeth Phelps

Years ago, I led a 5-week training class called, 12 Sentences. Coaches and consultants came to me to develop their business identity (and messaging) by having to answer 12 questions, in 12 concise, single-sentences. These were the questions that prospects always have in the backs of their minds. It was challenging for them, to say the least!

I am a professorial group leader (and private consultant), which means that I stay up into the wee hours to “correct papers”–and in the case of my 12 Sentences students, correct their sentences.

In this post, I am sharing a rare–and I mean never, ever, ever before seen–glimpse into how I shape clients’ and students’ language to be more effective. These are actual sentences students sent me, and my replies to them. Be ready to be fire-hosed with tips you’ve probably never heard before! Got a pen? You’ll want to take notes. (And you’ll also want to join my twice-monthly group, ILLUMINATE, focused *solely* on persuasive communications. I’ll do with you there, what you’ll see below.)

Student #1 wrote:

Whatever you do, you HAVE to find a way to stop twisting, denying, controlling and diverting the life force within you.

Lizabeth’s response:
I’d like to see you phrase it in words that people would identify with more. For instance, what does “diverting the life force” really mean? How would someone know they are doing that?

And then, instead of going to the negative word, “stop…”–tell us what TO DO.

I think you will discover that as you get crystal clear with words (that aren’t metaphorical, such as “life force”) and you get concrete, that you yourself will be even more inspired by what you’re trying to say.

Student #2 wrote:

“Live and enjoy those around you while you have them, since you never know when you may not have them with you any longer.”

Lizabeth’s response:
You want to get more concrete with your sentence. For instance, what does “enjoy those around you” equate to in terms of actions and behavior? And what does “live” mean? You’re telling us to “LIVE and enjoy…” So what does “live” look like? What should we actually DO that means “live”? and say that instead. For instance, “develop deep conversations,” “carve out intimate dinners,” “go on day trips,” etc. You want to “bring pictures to mind, and specific language does that.

Student #3 wrote:

I provide gentle heart-centered Chiropractic care to remove spinal distortions from newborns to 3 years old to ensure maximum function of their bodies.

Lizabeth’s response:
Nice.  I just want you to add in a phrase that explains the dangers of spinal distortions. So, it would go like this:
I provide gentle, heart-centered chiropractic care that removes spinal distortions that ______(do this kind of damage) to newborns up to 3 year-olds, to ensure maximum function of their bodies.

If you don’t include that, the reader won’t feel the danger, and it’s vital that they do.

Student #4 wrote:

My 1-day workshop, How to communicate with your spouse to deepen your relationship and increase your odds of staying together by 90% uses a 3 part communication strategy for taking your relationship to the next level that includes learning 1) effective conversation principles 2) communication tools for creating intimacy and 3) the 5 pt conversation formula for long-lasting marriage.

Lizabeth’s response:

Never use this term: “taking your _____to the next level.” It has no meaning. So, I ask you, “How would a couple know their relationship had gone to the next level”? That, or even some other answers you may come up with to that question, is what you should write here instead.

Student #5 wrote:

As a Personal Empowerment Coach, I teach EFT, a fast, simple technique that not only relieves stress but helps remove emotional blocks that prevent people from taking positive action in the lives

Lizabeth’s response:
NEW: As a Personal Empowerment Coach, I teach 45-55 year-old women, who are are stretched-thin from caring for kids and elderly parents, a fast, simple proven technique called EFT, that relieves the stress and emotional blocks that are unique to their situation.

We need to know the decade-range of your market and then *what problem* they have, so they can self-identify. Then, you want to say that it is “fast and simple,” since it is. And “relieves” is probably more accurate than “removes.”

Student #6 wrote:

I inspire, educate and challenge your sons to create a vision of who they want to be and to take responsibility for engaging the resources at their disposal to achieve the success that is possible for them when they are their authentic selves.

Lizabeth’s response: 
EDIT: I inspire, educate and challenge your sons to become powerful leaders and contributors of every community they’re in by enabling them to first understand and develop their own inner authority.

Rather than talk about the steps you use (creating a vision + taking responsibility for engaging the resources at their disposal) and rather than talk about their authentic selves, which is not common language–you want to speak of who they’ll be at the end, all in very simple language.

Student #7 wrote:

How What I Do is different from what everyone else does in my field: Where other teen coaching programs focus on general stereotypical issues, my personalized, in-depth training program focuses on your son’s core; the very heart of who he is—providing him with a radically new skill set to help him most effectively utilize his energy and put his faculties of mind, emotions and body to use in the service of his highest vision of who he is and wants to become.

Lizabeth’s response:

EDIT: Where other teen coaching programs focus on general stereotypical issues like _______--(and then tell us why this is a bad thing), my personalized, in-depth training program focuses on your son’s core; the very heart of who he is—providing him with a radically new skill set for making strong value-centered decisions that will powerfully shift the direction of his future.

I took out the phrasing around his energy and faculties of mind, emotions and body because they are irrelevant to the listening brain. I went straight for the benefit to both the son AND the parent. Always make sure that your language is THEIR language. NEVER use jargon, or spiritual wording–not in marketing. Save that for the private programs.

Student #8 wrote:

“…they’re still putting their dreams on hold.”

Lizabeth’s response
One can’t see that peering through a window. If you can’t bring a concrete picture to mind, the articulation is vague and useless. What would we see, if were were peering through a window at someone who’d put their dreams on hold?

Student #9 wrote:

WHAT PROCESS I USE TO CREATE RESULTS
I teach Christian leaders how to think strategically, make sound organizational decisions and build relationships that expand their sphere of influence and create wealth to advance the kingdom of God.

Lizabeth’s response:

“Leaders” in this context sounds like clergymen. You’re speaking about business owners. It is vitally important that you “call them out” very clearly. Additionally, they need to be able to picture “where they are in the world,” when you’re answering this process question. So, it could read:

In a ____-week/month, (group/solo) program, I take Christian-faith business executives, in $ ___ million businesses, through a __-part process: 1) how to think strategically about ___, 2) how to make sound organizational decisions that _____and 3) how to build relationships that expand their sphere of influence and create wealth that advances the kingdom of God.

Student #10 wrote:

What is so special about chiropractic is that it effectively restores your body’s in-born natural energy flow—in just a few minutes a week—and with those circuits flowing, the light you were born with can fully shine.

Lizabeth wrote:

“Light” is a metaphor, as is “shine.” Take those words out and you will start to understand what you REALLY do. In marketing, always replace metaphors with something tangible and concrete–in order to lend more credibility to what you’re saying. So, let’s go here:

What is so special about chiropractic is that it effectively restores your body’s in-born natural energy flow—in just a few minutes a week—and with those circuits flowing, you can exercise with endurance again, run up stairs, eat the foods you enjoy. (See? Get specific and concrete and use outcomes desired by the prospect.)

Student #11 wrote:

Why You Must Buy My Services Now: “If you continue to do what you’re doing, then no matter how much financial planning you’ve done, you will still be left anxious and unprepared, having reduced your worth merely to the value of material assets–rather than sharing what’s most important: your personal legacy—that which must live on beyond you and be gifted to those you love and admire.

Lizabeth’s response:

That is a good argument. Just refining it a bit: “If you choose to focus solely on your financial planning at this stage of your life, you will make a gross miscalculation: reducing your worth to the value of material assets, rather than sharing what is most valuable about you: your personal legacy—that which can and *must* live on beyond you!”

It’s worth noting that the better your argument (like a lawyer in court), the better your ability to “close the case.”

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So, what did YOU learn?? Name one thing. Just say it to yourself out loud. (Or post it below!)

This September–-on the 23rd–you could have this level of precision brought to your business communications. ILLUMINATE is my twice-monthly business group for coaches and consultants that focuses entirely on the #1 money-making and world-changing skill: persuasive communications. Imagine all of the small errors you’re making in what you say and write and all the money you’re losing because of those mistakes! And imagine how much more money, and what greater impact you will have when you say it right! Go read about it and register here! Don’t wait. This group is super-small, for microscopic attention on you.