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10 Years in Business–Tip #44: Stop TELLING and Start Asking

October 3, 2011 by Lizabeth Phelps

In my special report, What I Know For Sure: Lessons Learned in 10 Years of Business, I list 75 topic areas that I have bumped into over ten years. And every day in October, I will randomly choose one of the 75 and expound on it. So here’s today’s:

#44 STOP TELLING. Ask questions. Demolish your urge to be “smarter” than another; to appear wiser and more together or to be right by telling them what to do or what’s best. Your job as a teacher, expert, mentor is to assist in transformation. No one will act because of a directive from you. They will shift because they feel it in them to act. And that will happen in a fraction of the time…if you remove the “period” from the end of your commentary and insert a question mark.

This is one of my favorites because it’s become so obvious to me over the years how committed most people are to telling people what to do. I’ve got more people telling me what to do in my personal life than anyone asking me powerful questions so that I arrive at the answer myself. Likewise, I have found very few coaches who can do this with me well, so finding a good coach has been challenging. I won’t say that they don’t ask questions, but they don’t know what kind to ask, how to frame them (a great question is very carefully crafted), or when and how often to ask them.

Perhaps some examples are in order for how this plays out in daily business conversation. A prospect writes to you because she finds a reply of yours, to one of her emails, offensive.  You can write her back and “tell her” why you chose to write what you did, or you can write her back and ask her to share more of her experience with you. Or better yet, get on the phone and ask her that question, as well as, “What would you have wanted me to say?”

A client is not performing to the standards you both expect. You could “tell her” or “remind” her of the standards, and even what you think she could do to improve…OR you could ask her “What is happening in your life that has you not following through on our agreements?”

It is in telecalls and virtually all other teaching venues when the urge to “tell and be important” raises its ugly-duckling head the most. Rather than tell, tell, tell, your theories, theses, proofs, data, and stories…ASK the audience: what do you think is coming next? What kind of studies do you think were done on this in the 1920’s? What are you seeing here that maybe others missed? Do you see a correlation between this and that? How would you have felt if you’d lost your nerve like that? What do you want to take forward from this?

It seems like one of the least enlightening of all of the 75 tips, doesn’t it? At first-blush. Especially if you’re already a coach. “I ask plenty of questions!” you say.  But I dare you to listen to how you communicate and see how often you  “make a statement” rather than turn it into a question. Improv troupes have a game where the players must ask each other only questions while they keep a fluid and logical conversation flowing. You can take an Improv class, but real life is a better training ground.  Go ahead. I dare you! ASK, DON’T TELL!

Get all 75 tips PLUS an invitation to join me in celebrating 10 years on a free call October 10th, PLUS much more! http://inspiredleadershiptraining.com/10Years/report/