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Resisting Sales: Is It Truth…or Fear?
June 19, 2010 by Lizabeth Phelps
This is the existential question of all time, of course—is a
perception we have of something or someone a reflection
of “Truth” or our own “fear”? I’m contemplating that
question today as it pertains to selling—and our reaction
to it. When we react negatively to someone selling us—is
it “Truth” that they are sleazy, inappropriate, unconscious
and greedy—or something else?
I saw my “sales Guru” last night—the man who changed
me, literally in 60 minutes, from refusing to sell myself
with the most outrageous self-righteousness of anyone I
know…to “getting” the secret of selling, what it really is,
and now helping others to get it, too. I love this man for
that, and I adore watching him in action. I learn a thousand
new things every time I do. And while I watched him, I
reflected on that event years ago when he single-handedly
did what no one before him had been able to do—reshape
my perception of selling to something that felt really good
—and I also reflected on something one of my students
said last weekend at my 2-day live public speaking course.
She came up to me with the same manner of arrogance with
which I had approached seminar leaders long ago, and asked
if there would be any more of the “selling stuff” in the after-
noon. (I had made a single offer to the group right before
lunch.) And these musings led me to write this post.
Once upon a time, I could not have sat through last night’s
event because of its unabashed selling by my Guru. But today,
years later, I not only watch in fascination so I can learn, but
I also notice how utterly at peace I am with his selling to me.
And how peaceful I am around virtually anyone selling to me.
What accounts for that 180-degree turn around?
Selling practices haven’t changed all that much in a few years’
time, so if I’m at peace with a sales pitch, it must have every-
thing to do with me and how I have changed. Here’s what I
observe: as I became okay with selling myself…I became
okay with others selling to me.
This is very important, I think. When I discovered that I could
value myself and not be sleazy, desperate, pushy and fake—as
all others were when they sold to me–quite automatically, that
confidence was transferred to those selling to me. If I could be
valuable, rather than a bottom-feeder, then so could others.
But something even deeper was at play. When I couldn’t
abide someone selling to me—(and I couldn’t; I had every
name in the book for them)—what was I really experiencing?
Well, the interchange with someone offering something to us
comes down to trust, right? If we hate, right out of the gate,
their selling to us, we don’t trust them. We don’t trust their
intentions or that they really have our best interests at heart.
But here’s an interesting thing about trust: back when I used
to coach in a personal-growth capacity, I used to caution my
clients when they said they didn’t “trust” their friend or spouse
or kids. I would say, “The reality is, you don’t trust yourself to
handle whatever they do. It’s not truthful to say you don’t trust
them; the truth is, it is yourself you don’t trust.”
In selling, I believe the same thing is true: we are projecting a fear
of our own inability to handle another person’s possible ill-
intent. So we throw the hot-potato over to them (it’s too hot to
hold ourselves) and arm ourselves with righteous certainties about
how phony and inappropriate they are. In actuality, I believe it is
fear at work, not Truth—fear that we can’t trust ourselves.
When we learn that we are worthy (valuable) enough to offer our
services, and when we learn that we are trust-worthy in that role–
not contemptible and disingenuous—a strength grows in us that
allows us to allow others, for we know who we are (good and
decent and helpful) and can presume good faith toward others
selling their wares. And we can also trust ourselves to handle
them, whatever their intent.
Now, of course, that’s not to say that our negative opinions about
someone selling to us aren’t sometimes based in intuition rather
than fear (have you ever noticed how intuition and fear reside in
the same area of the belly and can get confused?) Sometimes some-
one really does not have our best interests at heart; they are all out
for themselves. Last summer, I went to a seminar where we were
sold to about six times in 2 days and were delivered no content
whatsoever—and that was not okay with me because I felt we
had been duped into attending. So sleazy-tactics were indeed
implemented and we have a right to argue for fairness.
But considering how many sales messages I get a day, such a
situation is rare—and so it is rare for me to get ruffled in any
way by someone selling to me. This shift has been entirely an
internal one. And it is one of those personal shifts that I am
profoundly grateful for because it is a power I didn’t have before.
And, of course, it has spilled over into a rather enormous
advantage as a business owner. I can have someone come up
to me, very “right” about how inappropriate it is for me to make
a one-time offer at my event, and I can know that this is her fear,
her lack of trust about her own ability to handle my intentions
(whatever they may be) because the truth is, she doesn’t have to
buy anything, ever—and I can know that I am not any of the
“truths” she has projected onto me . I can let her go in peace
…and I can move on in peace myself (and abundance!)
Next time you are upset with someone selling to you, perhaps you
can check in and ask yourself, Is this really “Truth” or is it “fear”?
LOALoveCoach says: Hi Lizabeth,
Love this post and how true it is. I also was confronted bluntly and with humor by a sales guru. He completely turned me around and taught me the value of a compelling offer.
Two years later I am coming into a new level of walking it out. As my practice grows with ideal prospects who are wonderfully coachable, I am selling more and more coaching packages with rock solid certainty that I have a solution for the problem they are experiencing.
An offer is just that, an offer. I offer an opportunity to explore how my solutions may fit their needs. Whether they say yes or no, my job is to dance with them through their concerns and help them decide.
I used to feel ‘creepy’ being sold to and selling…no more! I am enjoying the people who contact me whether they hire me or not.
I also feel powerful when I don’t even offer a coaching package. Giving a book or even another coach as a resource and letting them go feels great.
Keep writing, you are a great cheerleader for the Truth!
Cheers,
Catherine
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Lizabeth Phelps says:
Thanks, Catherine, for sharing your “aha” because it really is a breakthrough when you can sell and be sold to with peace, isn’t it? Wherever we go, we get confronted with ourselves, don’t we?!
Chris says: I just returned from a T. Harv Eker, “Millionaire Mind Intensive” which offered 3 days of value combined with the speakers selling additional programs. I was fascinated by the selling process and appreciated that they were serious about their “at-seminar only” offers. A few years back the selling would have offended me, now I’m studying the nuances of their techniques with admiration.
As I see it, if I believe my services can be of great value, then it’s my responsibility to let people know about them.
Thanks Lizbeth for another great post!
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Thanks for writing this, Chris! I agree about Peaks, wholeheartedly!
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