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Happy Birthday, Mom!
May 15, 2010 by Lizabeth Phelps
Today is my beloved mother’s birthday. For all of my life, May 15th has meant her, and has carried the DNA of her love, beauty, support and wisdom. She passed two years and two days ago, and I have—I can’t believe it–honored three of her birthdays now without also hearing her voice or giving her a hug. Every now and then I get caught in a vortex where I shake my head and think, How is it possible that the woman who gave me life isn’t alive?
I was so blessed to have the relationship with her that I did. So many daughters wrestle with their mothers. I can honestly say, I loved her in that unconditional way we know is supposed to guide our relationships but so rarely does. She made mistakes, but they never bothered me. I understood her and the love just flowed without a wrinkle. It is something I miss the most, I think: the effortless ability to truly, unconditionally love someone else. It was so easy with her.
I am sure I was able to love her so purely because she modeled that for me. This is a picture of her giving me a book that I had asked for in my mid-twenties. The delight she had in who I was and what I wanted in my life was boundless and ever-flowing. And I believe that is because she had found her way after a long and winding road in her own life, and had come to know and appreciate her own wants. She was a pioneer spirit, venturing across the country and the globe in search of adventure and beauty. Her most fruitful excavations were that of the psyche, as she spent most of her weekends in her fifties and sixties studying psychology, going to weekend retreats and workshops that explored the fringes of that science—then coming home and sharing with me.
As a teen, I was less than receptive to some of the ideas. I didn’t want to be told repeatedly that, no, she was not “making” me angry; I was choosing that emotion myself. And then there were the constant references to Transactional Analysis—the popular psychology model of the ‘70s that she had trained in–until I was ready to scream that I didn’t care what “egostate” I was in, or whether I was giving “brown stamps” or “warm fuzzies”! Despite my adolescent resistances, she was an inarguably respected therapist and somewhere along the line, I began to absorb her wisdom and honor her exceptional ability to listen and shift me out of my drama du jour.
And when I hit my mid-twenties, I became just like her: diving into adventures of the mind and spirit, attending workshops and retreats and eventually moving into a profession that mirrored hers. Every single day, I acknowledge how thoroughly I am constructed from her—and how profoundly blessed I am. Like my mom, I take the road less traveled. I live true to myself, even if it disturbs the status quo around me. I feed my intellect constantly—and in equal measure, my spirit. I persevere. I follow what feels right in me and do what I love. I love my work and give every ounce of myself to it. And I love my family—and now pass on to my teenage daughter not only the wisdom I have gained (much of which irritates her!), but the wisdom I gained from her grandmother.
I miss her beyond words and actually do my best most days not to think too much about her because it is a cavernous loss. But today—May 15–I celebrate her extraordinary life, her extraordinary sparkle, deep wisdom, overflowing admiration for her children, brilliant smile, open and guileless heart—and that tenacious, renegade spirit that taught me to go where there is no path…and leave a trail.
Happy Birthday, Mom…Virginia K. Phelps…
The culmination of all that I learned from my mother is presented in my work, and I invite you to see what I’m doing next here.
Dave Schoenbeck says: What a wonderful tribute to your Mom. I too lost my Mother recently and the void will never be filled.
Dave
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Lizabeth Phelps says:
Yes. That’s just the awful truth of it, isn’t it? We can never replace–anywhere–our mom. Thank you for sharing yourself, too, Dave…
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